Tamil Action Hero - The 'Dark'est Knight

Picture this: An assortment of 100 different type of rogues - murderers, rowdies, gangsters, rapists, drug peddlers, psychos....together they confront a normal human like you or me, what would we do? Obviously, ask for forgiveness for whatever we have or have not done and just do whatever they ask us to do, so that we don't get killed! Right?!......Wrong!..... if you were a Tamil Action Hero! If you were a Tamil Action Hero, you would say, "Only dogs (referring to the rogues) come in a pack to hunt, lions like me hunt alone!" and then beat the holy crap out, turning them into mashed potatoes with your left hand!

Question: So, what is a Tamil Action Hero (TAH)?

Answer: A TAH is The 'Dark'est Knight! He is the ultimate saviour of humanity (especially Tamilians). Born out of a common man, he bears resemblance to the Almighty himself! (not in the looks, of course! only in his actions). A TAH is as 'immortal' as he is 'indestructible'! His body is stronger than 'Titanium Alloy' and can withstand temperatures more than the core of the Sun! (a million degrees Celsius atleast!); Infact if a Tamil Action Hero were to put his head into the core of the Sun, he 'might' merely sweat! His tongue is sharper than the sword and is capable of monologues and dialogues which create tornadoes and tears alike! He has the strength of 100 elephants put together (wonder if Bheem would have an inferiority complex!) and can overturn heavy objects like cars, tractors, trucks like kids do with toys!

Physical Attributes of a TAH (Tamil Action Hero):

1. He should be ugly - It is simple mathematics as far as the Tamil / Southern Film Industry is concerned, the uglier the TAH is, the more acceptable he is among the local crowd. Since, the locals fantasize of being a TAH, the TAH better look like them!
2. He should be dark - Same as above, darker you are, more acceptable you would be to the crowd...infact some of the leading TAHs do give 'black coal' an inferiority complex!
3. He should wear a wig - Now, this is not a prerequisite, as long as you have the mane! but if you don't have (which in most cases happens as they survive till the age of 99) then the TAH must use a wig from the hair pulled out of a gorilla's armpit!
4. He should have a moustache - Lets accept it...Moustache is a sign of masculinity! So, the bigger the moustache, more the 'coconut oiled dripping jasmine flower tripping' women you could entangle! in Tamil Nadu the moustache also serves the purpose of a bridge which connects the nostrils and the side locks into one continuum.
5. He must powder his face - A TAH may look like the crowd, but they also, 'just like the crowd' secretly fantasize of looking fair (it's called the inferiority complex seeded by the Colonial Hangover); so what does a TAH resort to: First, apply one complete tube of 'Fair and Lovely' on the 'Hippo' like face and then cover it further with 250 gms of talcum powder untill you look like a cross between an African and an Albino!
6. He should dress like a beggar / gay - if he is doing an item song, his regular dress code would be chequered lungi, ganji, black shoes, belt on top of the lungi (accessories being beedi and beer bottle). If doing a slow romantic track the dress code would be synthetic shiny shirt with psychedelic colors (enough to induce a hypnotic trance), white pants, flip-flops or chappals. If he is attending a party then white shirt, white pant, white underwear, white belt, white shoes and a white coat (accessories being gold watch and gold chains)
7. He must dance like a Schizophrenic Delusional Hyperactive Psycho - Yes! you heard it right! Mastering the art of Tamil Dance is simple: start a loud tamil song which has 500 BPM(Beats per Minute) thats about 8-9 Beats per Second, then bring an ugly looking, lungi clad, Schizophrenic Delusional Hyperactive Psycho from a mental asylum and then electrocute him with 220-240 volts of A.C (Alternating Current)....Voila!....you get the 'Tamil Action Hero' dance!
8. His grotesque dance should be a sleaze fest - However conservative the Tamil community is, they really don't mind the cheapest, sleaziest, scantily clad, over-weight women dancing to the 500 BPM Tamil Music (explained in the point above) with the beedi smoking, beer drinking, lungi clad Tamil Action Hero!
9. He should have an active love life - The Tamil Action Hero is the center of the universe as far as the women are considered. All the women (at least in the movies) would either die for his attention or atleast drool at his beedi smoking, villian bashing, eve teasing, style showing stunts! All Tamil movies have atleast 2 heroines, one a fair city bred femme fatale who is crazy after the TAH and the other one is the village belle who is the object of TAH's desire! Although, the TAH is madly in love with the village belle, he leaves no stone unturned in flirting and doing an item song with the city girl.

.................... to be continued!