Telegu Action Hero - Balakrishna 'The Destroyer'

Check out another equally nauseatingly idiotic Telegu Superhero - Bala Krishna 'The Destroyer' (lovingly called Baliyya by his moronic fans)


His Punch Dialogues are potent enough to make you go insane -

• In Telegu: Ha! guddute google search lo kooda dorakavu!!!! ( means: If I punch you, no one can find you on the google search also!!!!)
• Balakrishna was asked by a reporter, whether or not he would be interested in joining Politics; to which he replied in 'Baliyya Style' English : "I am not a Politician or Policeman but just an Actor, Please keep in mind that Factor!!"
• From his latest movie 'Simha' (Lion): Balakrishna is surrounded and seemingly cornerd by 200 villains (who are armed to the teeth). They were about to bash him up, when our Balakrishna lets out a nuke of a dialogue, "A 1000 pigs cannot defeat a Lion, but only get hunted by him...get ready to get hunted by me The Lion" after which he gives out a roar.....causing an earthquake!!!! which makes all the villians fall on the floor .... :-) .....believe it!!
• "I will throw you so far, where even your mobile will go out of range!!!"
• "Yesterday Today or Tomorrow, my punch will make you full of Sorrow!"
• To a villain before a brawl in 'Baliyya Style' English - "If I punch, you will hear a sound of crunch so don't fight with me and go have your lunch!"
• Scaring another villain with 'Baliyya Style' English - "I will kick your face so hard that you will never need colgate again!" (for those who did not understand the meaning...Our Baliyya would kick so hard that the villain would lose all his teeth, so he wouldn't need a toothpaste again in his life!! ;-) )
• Baliyya impressing his girl friend in a recent movie (post the economic recession)- " I am strong as Hanuman, I have body like Salman, I sing like AR Rehman and I am recession proof unlike Lehman!"

Tamil Action Hero - Vijaykanth 'The Unbelievable'

Disclaimer: It is possible that one may not survive reading the grotesqueness of Vijaykanth's stunts! Therefore, I am not liable to anyone for causing grievous injury, paralytic shock or epilepsy in case of the uncontrollable laughter you may encounter while reading the compilation of human misery!


Vijaykanth the Tamil Movie Star epitomises the real 'Tamil Action Hero'. He has many firsts to his credit! Read the following - Actual stunts of Vijaykanth in many of his hit movies!

1. Sneeze - When a normal human sneezes, the nose ejects 100s of nasal droplets...right?! Well! it is slightly different when Vijaykanth sneezes - a recently released film of his, shows Vijaykanth about to get into a brawl with at least 100 villains; before the villains could strike him, Vijaykanth sneezes......making all of them fly off in different directions and fall at least 20 meters away!!!!.....believe it!!!!
2. Bullet - They say that a travelling bullet has enough kinetic energy to pierce a 1 inch thick steel hull and that's why companies spend millions of dollars to make Kevlar and carbon nano-tube body armor; but in one of Vijaykanth's action movies, he escapes an assassination attempt on him by stopping 100s of incoming bullets from a machine gun with an aluminium plate (which was in fact taken from a roadside beggar, who was co-incidentally sitting right next to the temple, where the assailants tried to kill him). The icing on the cake was, Vijayakanth deflecting the bullets with the same plate to kill the assailants with their own bullets!!!!!!.....believe it!!!!
3. Forces of Nature- Vijaykanth has a close relationship with nature! Whenever Vijaykanth walks into an action scene in a Tamil Movie, there is a storm; whenever he gets angry, there is a combination of lightning..storm..earthquake; when he romances a woman one third his age, there is rain;....I wonder if the Meteorology Department is listening!
4. Software Programming - I wonder, how many of you guys who are reading this blog are Programmers and Software Engineers. This fact which I am going to tell you about Vijaykanth will either make you dump your career in Software Development or would make you join a mental asylum. There is a movie in which Vijaykanth acts as a Software Engineer! In the movie he is making a secret project...a software for eradicating poverty....(aargghh!!!) and they show him programing on 'Windows Media Player'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .................. Believe It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. Indian Penal Code - IPC (Indian Penal Code) does not apply on Vijaykanth! Yes, you heard it right! In each of his movies, you will find his character openly murdering not 1 or 2 but 100s of Corrupt Politicians, Villains and Rogues. But, not in a single movie will you find him being arrested or tried in the court of law for mass murder or genocide! I am sure 'Adolf Hitler' and his Nazi brothers would be jealous!
6. WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) - Vijaykanth's choice of weapons to destroy 100s of enemies are Aluminium Plates (for deflecting bullets), Pen (believe it or not in one of the movies he kills a lion in a jungle with a pen), Pebbles (in one of the movies he kills multiple villains by throwing pebbles at them), Bottles, Sword, Axe, Knife, Cycle Chain, Rope and Lungi (yes...he removes his own lungi to asphyxiate a villain by tying it around his neck!!!!)......God Bless Vijaykanth!
7. Train - Once the villains managed to tie the heroine and her family to a railway line. Our Vijaykanth fights with the villains (100s of them) and beats 23.5 types of crap out of them. Meanwhile an unstoppable train zooms towards the hapless heroine and family. The main villain although maimed and bleeding manages to laugh and remind Vijaykanth that he does not have enough time to untie the family and that he will have watch them die in a matter of few seconds! Vijaykanth starts walking towards the train...everyone is shocked...guess what happens...the train comes to a screeching halt and stops right at Vijaykanth's approaching footsteps (a supernatural and divine interference) and that does not stop Vijaykanth...he continues to walk towards the train, and in fear the train starts going backwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!.....believe it!

Tamil Action Hero - Vijaykanth's Shitty Dialogues

Disclaimer: These shitty dialogues were picked up from some of Vijaykanth's movies and converted to English for us read and commit suicide upon. These are circulated on the net as PJs but they are real dialogues imparted as one liner smart alecs by Vijaykanth in his super-hit movies. Believe it or not the Tamil audience couldn't stop laughing at such atrocious 'supposed to be funny' one liners by Vijayakanth.

1. You can become an Engineer if u study in an Engineer College,but you cannot become President if you study in Presidency college.
2. You can expect a bus from bus stop, but not a full from full stop.
3. A mechanical Engineer can become mechanic, but Software Engineer cannot become a software.
4. You can find key in the keyboard but not mother in motherboard..
5. You can study and get any certificate. But u cannot get your own death certificate
6. You may have AIRTEL or BSNL connection but when you sneeze you will say HUTCH
7. You can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in a world cup

Vijaykanth the real Tamil Action Hero

Disclaimer: Although all my blogs are full of sarcasm, please note that all examples quoted and points mentioned in the following blog about the Action Sequences and Exploits of a Tamil Action Hero is absolutely true and are based on actual observations of the hundreds of shitty South Indian action movies that I have seen! (I watched these movies for a research on 'how not to make movies!' and for another research called '100 ways to die of laughter!')

Some Facts.....

1. Vijaykanth makes onions cry
2. Vijaykanth can delete the Recycle Bin
3. Ghosts are actually caused by Vijaykanth killing people faster than Death can process them
4. Vijaykanth can build a snowman..... out of rain
5. Vijaykanth can strangle you with a cordless phone
6. Vijaykanth can drown a fish
7. When Vijaykanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off
8. When Vijaykanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Vijaykanth and Vijaykanth
9. Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards Vijaykanth can throw Brett Favre even further
10. The last digit of pi is Vijaykanth, He is the end of all things
11. Vijaykanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die
12. Bullets dodge Vijaykanth
13. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Vijaykanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there
14. Vijaykanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Vijaykanth
15. If you spell Vijaykanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Vijaykanth? " It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."
16. Vijaykanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle
17. Once a cobra bit Vijaykanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
18. When Vijaykanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live
19. Vijaykanth can kill two stones with one bird
20. Vijaykanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop
21. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Vijaykanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he want
22. There is no such thing as global warming. Vijaykanth was cold, so he turned the sun up
23. Vijaykanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night
24. Vijaykanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life? unless it gets in his way
25. It takes Vijaykanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes
26. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vijaykanth could use to kill you, including the room itself
27. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Vijaykanth
28. Vijaykanth destroyed the periodic table, because Vijaykanth only recognizes the element of surprise
29. Vijaykanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds
30. The square root of Vijaykanth is pain. Do not try to square Vijaykanth, the result is death
31. When you say "no one's perfect", Vijaykanth takes this as a personal insult."

Tamil Action Hero - Masala Movie Formula

Disclaimer: Although all my blogs are full of sarcasm, please note that all examples quoted and points mentioned in the following blog about the Action Sequences and Exploits of a Tamil Action Hero is absolutely true and are based on actual observations of the hundreds of shitty South Indian action movies that I have seen! (I watched these movies for a research on 'how not to make movies!' and for another research called '100 ways to die of laughter!')

Usually, movies involving a Tamil Action Hero (TAH) are depictions of the Super Human. So, the stories are etched in ways which help us (mere mortals) to discover the Tamil Action Hero's strengths, capabilities and exploits!

So, following are some of the Masala Movie Formulas that you would repeatedly see in Tamil Action Hero films -

Poor Man Formula - The TAH is either Poor or at best Lower Middle Class. He is one of 'them' (the Public). He represents the Poor and Aggrieved public so he ought to be an autodriver, coolie, laborer, farmer, driver, fisherman. This formula helps the TAH to connect with his audience.

Rich Man Formula - In the rare occurance of the TAH being rich, then he would be potrayed as a super rich, powerful and invincible character. But, he would be super magnanimus and extra large hearted who would do anything for the poor man. In many occasions even giving up all his wealth for the benefit of the poor villagers. He would use his moolah and might to fight the antagonist (a rich and evil feudal lord) who abuses his power to enslave the poor people to make more money!

Fat, Ugly, Loud Comedian Formula - Every TAH Movie will have a Fat, Ugly and Loud Comedian who pops out of nowhere 'uninvited' to give everyone a 'Bheja Fry' brain tumour. Usually, the comedian gets slapped by the TAH or other characters of the movie for no apparant reasons, as he is the 'Butt' of everone's 'not so funny' jokes. Tamilian's love the Slap Act! The intensity and volume of the laughter at a cinema theatre is directly proportionate to the number of slaps a comedian gets in the movie; obviously, the comedian leaves no stone unturned in creating the right situations for getting pounded on the face by everyone.

Heroine Formula - This is a simple technique to bring in variety of shades into TAH's personality. This formula makes the TAH's character multi-dimentsional and gives the director various sub-plots to work upon to entice the public. So, what are the aspects covered in the Heroine Formula? -

1. 2 or more heroines give the director an opportunity to showcase that the ugly TAH (who is representative of the local public) is attractive to all types of women.
2. 2 or more heroines give the director an opportunity for many item songs! (that acts as a filler, every time the movie gets boring!)
3. Although the TAH guns for the 'twin-ponytailed shy' village belle, he is constantly bombarded by the firtatious advances of all the 'audacious scantily dressed citybred pretty' women, which makes his (screwed up) persona more attractive to the crowd.
4. All Heroines are FAIR!! (thanks to the North Indian Bollywood imports !) - All the failed starlets of Bollywood, find a safe haven in the South Indian Film Industry; particularly Tamil Nadu, as all they look for in a female lead actor is the fairness of skin...so, the fairer you are, more are your chances of getting a movie deal! (cause you do not need to act, just be there on the screen for the cheap public to ogle at you!)

.....................to be continued!

Tamil Action Hero - Action Scenes & more.....

Disclaimer: Although all my blogs are full of sarcasm, please note that all examples quoted and points mentioned in the following blog about the Action Sequences and Exploits of a Tamil Action Hero is absolutely true and are based on actual observations of the hundreds of shitty South Indian action movies that I have seen! (I watched these movies for a research on 'how not to make movies!' and for another research called '100 ways to die of laughter!')

The previous entry that I made was about the looks of a Tamil Action Hero....now lets talk about what makes a Tamil Action Hero an 'Action Hero'!!!

Various Exploits of the 'Tamil Action Hero':

He is stronger than 100 elephants combined - this guy could easily overturn couple of trucks, cars, buses etc without batting an eyelid! He knows and is totally aware of his Herculean strengths.......unlike Hanuman who did not know how strong he was until coaxed by his friends!
He can battle a minimum of 500 people at a time - the TAH is India's answer to NEO of Matrix. Remember the scene where NEO battles multiple Smiths (with all his 'The One' powers) and finally gives up and escapes the scene by flying off! Well, our Tamil Action Hero doesn't fly off like that sissy (NEO). He fights all the 500 until he brings each and everyone down to the floor!
He is gifted with the powers of Clairvoyance - when in a fight, it is important to have the ability to read the opponent's next move...now our TAH can not only predict 'accurately' the next move of the opponent but also do the same for multiple opponents at a time! (as I said atleast 500). for e.g even before the villian thinks of taking his gun out and firing, our TAH would duck (from the bullet which never came out of the barrel of the gun); even before the villians 'think' of punching, our TAH has already blocked the punch (which was never delivered in the first place!)even before the villian 'thinks' of striking the hero with a sword, he has already killed the villian....pheww!
He runs faster than a Cheetah - When our TAH is being pursued by the villians, they are always unable to reach him....there is this scene, from a recent hit tamil movie, where one the famous TAH is in on a Freeway in US and running hard from some B-Grade Hollywood villians. He is on foot running and the villians armed to the teeth with automatic rifles and driving a Lamborghini and a Hummer are not able to reach him!!!
His horse runs faster than all Indian Cars, Jeeps and Trains - I am sure all of you have seens enough and more nauseating kollywood scenes from the 70s and 80s, of the Hero pursuing villians (who have abducted the obese heroine) in a Jeep, Car or Train and are being pursued by the TAH on a white horse! I don't know if the horse is fed on steroids or if it's a unicorn from the heavens, but what I know for sure is that, the bloody horse overtakes the automobiles and comfortably allows the Hero to transfer himself to the running vehicle in one death defying stunt!

.................to be continued!

Tamil Action Hero - The 'Dark'est Knight

Picture this: An assortment of 100 different type of rogues - murderers, rowdies, gangsters, rapists, drug peddlers, psychos....together they confront a normal human like you or me, what would we do? Obviously, ask for forgiveness for whatever we have or have not done and just do whatever they ask us to do, so that we don't get killed! Right?!......Wrong!..... if you were a Tamil Action Hero! If you were a Tamil Action Hero, you would say, "Only dogs (referring to the rogues) come in a pack to hunt, lions like me hunt alone!" and then beat the holy crap out, turning them into mashed potatoes with your left hand!

Question: So, what is a Tamil Action Hero (TAH)?

Answer: A TAH is The 'Dark'est Knight! He is the ultimate saviour of humanity (especially Tamilians). Born out of a common man, he bears resemblance to the Almighty himself! (not in the looks, of course! only in his actions). A TAH is as 'immortal' as he is 'indestructible'! His body is stronger than 'Titanium Alloy' and can withstand temperatures more than the core of the Sun! (a million degrees Celsius atleast!); Infact if a Tamil Action Hero were to put his head into the core of the Sun, he 'might' merely sweat! His tongue is sharper than the sword and is capable of monologues and dialogues which create tornadoes and tears alike! He has the strength of 100 elephants put together (wonder if Bheem would have an inferiority complex!) and can overturn heavy objects like cars, tractors, trucks like kids do with toys!

Physical Attributes of a TAH (Tamil Action Hero):

1. He should be ugly - It is simple mathematics as far as the Tamil / Southern Film Industry is concerned, the uglier the TAH is, the more acceptable he is among the local crowd. Since, the locals fantasize of being a TAH, the TAH better look like them!
2. He should be dark - Same as above, darker you are, more acceptable you would be to the crowd...infact some of the leading TAHs do give 'black coal' an inferiority complex!
3. He should wear a wig - Now, this is not a prerequisite, as long as you have the mane! but if you don't have (which in most cases happens as they survive till the age of 99) then the TAH must use a wig from the hair pulled out of a gorilla's armpit!
4. He should have a moustache - Lets accept it...Moustache is a sign of masculinity! So, the bigger the moustache, more the 'coconut oiled dripping jasmine flower tripping' women you could entangle! in Tamil Nadu the moustache also serves the purpose of a bridge which connects the nostrils and the side locks into one continuum.
5. He must powder his face - A TAH may look like the crowd, but they also, 'just like the crowd' secretly fantasize of looking fair (it's called the inferiority complex seeded by the Colonial Hangover); so what does a TAH resort to: First, apply one complete tube of 'Fair and Lovely' on the 'Hippo' like face and then cover it further with 250 gms of talcum powder untill you look like a cross between an African and an Albino!
6. He should dress like a beggar / gay - if he is doing an item song, his regular dress code would be chequered lungi, ganji, black shoes, belt on top of the lungi (accessories being beedi and beer bottle). If doing a slow romantic track the dress code would be synthetic shiny shirt with psychedelic colors (enough to induce a hypnotic trance), white pants, flip-flops or chappals. If he is attending a party then white shirt, white pant, white underwear, white belt, white shoes and a white coat (accessories being gold watch and gold chains)
7. He must dance like a Schizophrenic Delusional Hyperactive Psycho - Yes! you heard it right! Mastering the art of Tamil Dance is simple: start a loud tamil song which has 500 BPM(Beats per Minute) thats about 8-9 Beats per Second, then bring an ugly looking, lungi clad, Schizophrenic Delusional Hyperactive Psycho from a mental asylum and then electrocute him with 220-240 volts of A.C (Alternating Current)....Voila!....you get the 'Tamil Action Hero' dance!
8. His grotesque dance should be a sleaze fest - However conservative the Tamil community is, they really don't mind the cheapest, sleaziest, scantily clad, over-weight women dancing to the 500 BPM Tamil Music (explained in the point above) with the beedi smoking, beer drinking, lungi clad Tamil Action Hero!
9. He should have an active love life - The Tamil Action Hero is the center of the universe as far as the women are considered. All the women (at least in the movies) would either die for his attention or atleast drool at his beedi smoking, villian bashing, eve teasing, style showing stunts! All Tamil movies have atleast 2 heroines, one a fair city bred femme fatale who is crazy after the TAH and the other one is the village belle who is the object of TAH's desire! Although, the TAH is madly in love with the village belle, he leaves no stone unturned in flirting and doing an item song with the city girl.

.................... to be continued!